If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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