I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
