never play flip cup with pint glasses
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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