We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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