please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You had me at "let me see your balls"
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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