There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
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