Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
