She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I booty called her while she was in labor.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
