Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
