Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
