I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
