I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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