I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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