his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize