I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
