here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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