Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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