brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Is Oprah even human
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
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