Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
