The maid of honor just puked.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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