I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
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