don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
