turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
