I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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