I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
