I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
