just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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