I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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