I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
