i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
