When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
