she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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