I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
