My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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