I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
