that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
