At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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