I cannot find my penis.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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