life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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