If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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