I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
