in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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