I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
