so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
