The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
