the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
