It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
