It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
