I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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