Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
