I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
