So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
organizing the empties. That sober.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
