I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
