whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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