Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
