Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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