Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
