i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
