What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
