Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
